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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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 Epidemic: When Eyes Meet |
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~Chapter 1~
"Cough! Cough!" Tom coughed in agony.
"Tom, are you okay?" Mr. Bethkin, the science teacher asked.
"Yeah I'm fine..." Tom stated, clearing his throat.
"Are you sure? You've been coughing all class. I could send you to the nurse if you want." Bethkin insisted.
"Nah, I'm fine." He stated again, this time with confidence.
Mr. Bethkin shrugged, and continued with the notes. Tom Atlin was a junior at Paletean High School. It was almost the end of 7th period, and he prayed that the bell would ring soon so he can go home. Once the clock hit 1:30, it seemed as if it had to take a 5....no, 20 minute break. Tom continued writing down the notes about how plants capture the suns light and converts it into sugar for food. Every year, since 5th grade, they've ben taking the same notes about the same crap. How plants work, how cells work, formulas for acceleration, speed, distance, it never stops!
After what felt like an hour, the bell finally rang. Tom gathered his belongings and headed for the door.
"Tom, can I speak with you for a minute?" The teacher called.
He rolled his eyes at the ceiling, turned around and headed toward his teachers' desk with another cough.
"Can we hurry this up? I kinda want to get home and lie down a bit." Tom said.
"In a minute." Mr. Bethkin started. "I want you to look at todays quiz."
Mr. Bethkin showed him the piece of paper he called a "quiz." It had a big, fat F at the top right corner. Tom looked down at the floor, in embarrassment. He knew he hasn't been doing well in school lately. He has been trying his hardest all month. He studied every night, quizzed himself daily, but he still does horribly.
"I've noticed a sudden drop in your grades lately, Tom. I want to know what in your life has affected this. Why have you been failing every class you have this year?"
"Do you want my honest answer?" Tom began. "I have been doing my absolute hardest all month trying to do well. I study every night, I quiz myself every day on our notes, but in the morning, it seems to fall right out of my head."
"Well then, what can you do to stop that from happening?" Mr. Bethkin asked in his snotty, superior tone.
"Go home." Tom said in a monotone. And with that, he walked out of the classroom.
The bus ride home was the same as usual. Loud, full bus, screams of profanity, laughter, same rap that's played every day on the radio was playing on students' cell phones. Tom sat alone today. He felt really dizzy, and didn't want to puke on his friend that usually sits with him, Andrew Sanfrond. The ride took about 20 minutes, a little longer than usual, but not too bad. A line of kids from the front of the bus got up, causing Tom to be one of the last kids off. By the time he made it to the front, and down the first step, the world started spinning. He stepped off the bus, walked into the street, and everything suddenly went black.
_________________
Please read my story
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=64784
Last edited by jempire101 on Sun Jan 27, 2008 8:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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| Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:28 pm |
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hero traveler
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 459
Location: Why sould I tell you?! |
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| Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:48 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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~Chapter 2~
This darkness was never-ending. It was like an abyss of his mind. He wandered around, drifting, uncontrollably. Hours upon hours passed, with more bonding of this black nothingness. Tom tried to call something out. a "help" or maybe a "anyone there?" But there was no hope. He couldn't even tell if his mouth was open. Out of the blue (or should I say out of the black), he felt a sudden gain of control. He was coming back. It took a couple of seconds to realize what happened, and he finally opened his eyes to find that...he was in his bed!
[Yeah sorry I gotta stop here. I know THE shortest update EVER! It's only because I'm in school right now, and the bell is about to ring. This is not the end of the chapter, and I only posted this because I actually finished it, and I won't be able to remember it later. So check back at around 4:00pm est.]
_________________
Please read my story
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=64784 |
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| Wed Jan 23, 2008 10:01 am |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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[Okay, now that I'm home, I'm going to start chapter 2 over again, so the first paragraph is going to be the same.]
~Chapter 2~
This darkness was never-ending. It was like an abyss of his mind. He wandered around, drifting, uncontrollably. Hours upon hours passed, with more bonding of this black nothingness. Tom tried to call something out. a "help" or maybe a "anyone there?" But there was no hope. He couldn't even tell if his mouth was open. Out of the blue (or should I say out of the black), he felt a sudden gain of control. He was coming back. It took a couple of seconds to realize what happened, and he finally opened his eyes to find that...he was in his bed!
"Huh?" Tom said aloud. "What the he11 happened?"
As if on cue, his mom made her way upstairs to his room. She opened the door with a painfully ear-shattering creek that made Tom jump up, and his heart start beating faster. She took a step in, and saw her son awake. Her jaw dropped down, but only for about three seconds.
"Oh my god, sweetie, you're awake!" She shouted jubilantly, with a slight tear scrolling down her face.
She ran over to his bed and grasped him tight. She held him in her arms not wanting to let go, but sadly the moment had to end sometime. Tom broke the ice.
"What's going on?" He asked.
"You've been in a coma for about a week now. The doctors said it wasn't too serious, ad that we should take you home."
Tom looked like he was going to throw up. He desperately needed a glass of water. To his surprise, there was a glass already sitting on his desk next to his bed. He reached over, and again, to his surprise, the glass was still ice cold. How long had it been there? He decided not to worry about it. His mother got up, and left the room with a kiss on the forehead. She quietly shut the door, but the squeak was still there. Tom looked around and noticed something else on the desk. It was a piece of paper. He reached over and took a look at it. It was last week's science quiz with an "A" at the top! Tom flipped it over, and looked on the back of the paper. There was a note written in cursive.
"I didn't think school would be THAT stressful! We need to talk, Tom. Your mother promised to call me when you awoke, and would let me come over your house for dinner when you were feeling better.
Get Well,
Anthony Bethkin."
Tom sighed a loud and painful sigh. It's not that he had anything against Mr. Bethkin, but the thought of having a teacher over his house was just too awkward. Tom just wanted this whole tragedy to end. He rolled over, and went back to sleep. Mentally, he would be getting some. But physically...well, that's a whole different story.
_________________
Please read my story
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=64784
Last edited by jempire101 on Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:18 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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| Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:41 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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| Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:19 pm |
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hero traveler
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 459
Location: Why sould I tell you?! |
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| Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:33 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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| Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:48 pm |
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Alianne of Pirate's SWoop
Joined: 05 Oct 2007
Posts: 428
Location: Jail. Where else would I be? |
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This is really cool-sounding. Update or else I will hunt you down with my killer rabbit!
_________________
Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But I don't want the next best thing |
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| Fri Jan 25, 2008 10:00 am |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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~Chapter 3~
[Internal]
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Came a girlish scream from across the street. The streets of the city were filled with sirens, screaming, crying, and all-around pandemonium. Two police cars hurried to the scene. A tall cop took a step out of the passenger side of the first car. He held his gun up, crouching slightly behind his door for protection. The driver quickly followed along with the passenger from the behind car. Both followed the same actions as the tall cop, but the driver from the first car froze in fear as he saw what was standing in front of them.
A hairy, 7-foot tall, thick beast was feasting on a young woman. With disgusting, grunting noises, and saliva dripping from its mouth onto the ground, the best seemed to be oblivious to what was going on behind it. The passenger from the second car made a bold move, and fired a warning shot into the air. Unbeknownst to this action, the driver of the first car fired a bullet into the beast's back, near its shoulder. "ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!" it growled in pain. The beast dropped its dinner onto the ground, whipped around and glared into the cop's eyes. It's eyes were red with fear and anger. Blood was dripping down from its chin, as the painful stare of the beasts eyes locked with the cop's. He looked like he was going to faint.
The beast did a quick leap so high into the air, it was completely out of sight. The cops and civilians looked around to see where it had gone. Their answer came as quick as the question being held in their heads. A loud CRASH came from a tall building, the beast perched atop. The building slowly started tipping over, and the beast did another quick leap into the air. A crash from the opposite side of the leaning building came from another building, which in turn started tipping over as well.
Over and over again like popcorn the beast jumped and landed, destroying yet another building, until it was finally out of sight for good. The passenger from the first cop car cautiously walked over to the dead body on the sidewalk. It's chest had been completely torn open, it's leg twisted backwards with a bone sticking out of it, and it's left arm missing, but three of its fingers were on the ground next to its right arm. It's face, though, was completely unharmed. The cop leaned in to take a closer look. It had smooth skin, and red, luscious lips but the scary thing was her eyes. They were wide open, in fear, but whose wouldn't be if a giant monster was eating them?
He looked a little closer into the eyes to see the color when he noticed an oddity in the reflection of her right eye. He wouldn't have noticed it at all if it were in both, but it was just her right eye. A small dot was getting bigger, and bigger. When it finally grew about a centimeter, he realized what it was. He looked up, and saw the scariest thing ever. He tried to move out of the way, but it was too late. With an ear-shattering THUD, the beast had landed on him and completely split his spine in half. Every car within a ten meter radius was completely destroyed. The police cars had landed on their owners, and street poles had fallen over crushing anybody in their paths.
The beast, quietly atop one building that wasn't tipped over, looked at its destruction with a pitiful look on its face. It looked across the horizon, and saw the sun starting to rise. The beast stood up, turned around let out a vicious roar, and leaped from rooftop to rooftop out into the horizon.
(This was a short chapter because I have to go to bed. It might be confusing, but information will be given at a slow pace as the story progresses. Please be patient and I will update soon.)
_________________
Please read my story
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=64784 |
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| Sun Jan 27, 2008 9:16 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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| Thu Jan 31, 2008 1:53 pm |
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Loor42
Joined: 08 Jan 2008
Posts: 6
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this is really great, but I don't get what this beast has to do with anything. 
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| Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:01 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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You will in due time. As I said earlier, I will be revealing more information as the story progresses. If you've ever seen the movie "Crash," think of that how every single story is it's own thing, but eventually they all come together. Anyway, I'm working on Chapter 4 and it should be up soon.
_________________
Please read my story
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=64784 |
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| Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:11 pm |
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StarWarsPsyco
Joined: 31 Jan 2008
Posts: 574
Location: I'll give you the same answer I give to every question. *pulls out semi-automatic* |
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Oohh, nice...
I really like it man. You should seriously update this. By the way, to ge more popularity, post on other topics with this address in your signature. It's worked for a lot of people. Keep updating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________
These guys are the best...we made a 200+ pg. topic!
Shadow
Xanath
Mere
Gamer
Ladiz
Tiny
Taly
Weird
Jellybean
Sweetest song ever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMAYEhXu3fs&feature=related |
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| Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:12 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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~Chapter 4~
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Tom opened his eyes slightly, and looked over at his alarm clock that had just went off. It read 6:44am.
"Ohhhhhhh...." He moaned painfully. It was Saturday and Tom had forgotten to turn his alarm off the previous day. He reached over and slammed on the snooze button to shut the annoying beeping up. He tried getting to sleep again, but it was no use. After about fifteen minutes of his useless attempts to fall back into dreamworld, Tom got up from his bed. He rubbed his eyes, and lazily started walking out of his room, and downstairs into the kitchen.He checked the cabinets for some cereal. Preferably some "French Toast Crunch." But he couldn't find any so he just settled for some "Peanut Butter Crunch."
Tom flicked on the tv to the news channel to see what was up. A reporter was standing in the middle of the destroyed city, talking about how the buildings looked, and how the destruction left no survivors. Tom sat watching with his eyes wide open. The reporter went on to say that a video camera may have been recovered, but there was no such luck in finding evidence of what ad happened. Tom got up and turned the tv off. It was too hard to listen to.
Several hours later, at precisely 4:30pm, the phone started ringing. With both his parents at work, Tom was forced to get up from his computer and answer it. He checked the caller ID, which showed "Bethkin, Tony." He answered it, and of course, it as his science teacher, Mr. Bethkin.
"Hello?" Tom greeted.
"Tom? How ya feeling? It's Mr. Bethkin!" Bethkin responded.
"Better, I guess..."
"Are your parents home?" Bethkin asked.
"No, they're both working. Why?" Tom answered.
"Oh, I just wanted to ask them something. Bye."
Before Tom could reply, Mr. Bethkin hung up. It seemed as if he were in a rush. That wasn't like Mr. Bethkin. Tom decided not to worry about it, and hopped back onto his computer. He checked his Myspace, and received comments like:
"Feel better!"
"Hope you didn't puke!"
"Let's hang out when you get better."
"Heard about what happened. Sorry."
All BS Get-Better-Soon crap that he knew his "friends" didn't really mean, but just said to help him get better mentally.
Another hour passed, and the phone rang again. Tom let out a big, angry moan, looked at the Caller ID, and it read "Atlin, Carol."
"Hello?" Tom greeted again.
"Hi honey, how are you feeling?" It was his mother. She was on her way home, and wanted to call to see what was up.
"Better" Tom replied. "Mr. Bethkin called before."
"I know sweetie. I spoke with him."
"What did he want?" Tom asked.
"Oh, nothing really." She responded. "But guess who's coming over for dinner tonight!"
[That stinks to be him. Anyway, my computer is kinda messed up, and I have to bring it in for repair today so I might not be able to update for a while.]
_________________
Please read my story
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=64784 |
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| Sat Feb 09, 2008 2:54 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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| Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:50 am |
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hero traveler
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 459
Location: Why sould I tell you?! |
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| Fri Feb 15, 2008 4:12 pm |
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Air Guitarist
Joined: 15 Feb 2008
Posts: 99
Location: Hmm.............. That is a good question |
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Sveet Story! PLEASE POST MORE!!
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| Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:39 am |
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2nogardnep
Joined: 20 Jan 2008
Posts: 243
Location: my house |
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| Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:32 pm |
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alspobby
Joined: 05 Aug 2006
Posts: 501
Location: The deepest dungon of Bara Dur. |
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This looks interesting. But I didn't read it.
I'm sorry, but it just feels like a Horrible way to start a book by saying "'Cough! Cough!' Tom coughed in agony."
For two reasons:
1. " " Implies that someone is speaking. I doubt tom said "Cough! Cough!"
2. Unless it's such a bad cough that it's killing you, would you really cough in agony? No one coughs 'in agony'.
3. It's just a very weak line to start with. If you fiddled with it, it could be improved.
ALSO
Please don't say:
"I'll bump, but I'm not updating for just one person. I need more people to read."
Don't write for other people. Write for yourself. If you're only writing for other people, why write at all.
BUT....
Please don't feel to badly about what I've said. I know the line's lame but I have to use it, "I was just the same as you once."
You'll improve, and it looks like a good story, just needs a bit of work. I'll read it, and give you real *u** of the story, IF you change the "Cough, cough" part. Yes, I know I'm controdicting myself, saying, "write for yourself, not the reader" and then as a reader trying to change your work. But trust me, it would be better if you changed it. And when I started, I wrote for the reader too. And now I don't even post my books. So there's hope.
Write on, and in a few days I'll give you *u** of the story so far.
Unless I forget. Or don't come back to pen again. (That ryhmed!)
Keep it up,
~Alps
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Death to evan!
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| Thu Feb 21, 2008 7:37 pm |
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Mesa Sinead
Joined: 17 Apr 2007
Posts: 135
Location: My own world! |
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this is really cool. whats up with the freaky beast thing? its a little unrealistic that there are NO survivors, i mean someone's bound to see a gigantic creature bounding across rooftops...
but yeah, besides that and some things alspobby pointed out, its good
_________________
Read my story, My Crazy Life
http://thependragonadventure.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=54679&start=0
(yea, it's sort of long but at least read some and tell us if you like it!)
ps- it's pronounced "Maysuh Shinnay" |
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| Thu Feb 21, 2008 7:57 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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| Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:13 am |
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alspobby
Joined: 05 Aug 2006
Posts: 501
Location: The deepest dungon of Bara Dur. |
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Will you not respond to my post? I'm sorry if I was too blunt, I'm just trying to help.
_________________
In memory of those who have left the site-
MollyGirl
Aja smarte pants
Arkikulas 101
darksol
Jace11.1995
Death to evan!
Aja's back!!! |
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| Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:29 pm |
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Mesa Sinead
Joined: 17 Apr 2007
Posts: 135
Location: My own world! |
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| Mon Feb 25, 2008 9:24 pm |
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jempire101
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Margaritaville |
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| Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:03 am |
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Air Guitarist
Joined: 15 Feb 2008
Posts: 99
Location: Hmm.............. That is a good question |
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| Tue Mar 11, 2008 3:56 pm |
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